Today I saw a side of me that I am not proud of. I lost my cool with Finley. It was another rough day with Finley and it was only amplified when we went to watch the other 2 year old boy. When they consistently chose to not listen to me today I lost it (really lost it) and instead of using words calmly and positively guiding her to do right, I screamed and yelled. Even as I did it, I cringed from hearing myself. And her eyes as I yelled at her were full of fear-fear of her own mother-it broke my heart. What makes me even angrier with myself is that fact that I continued to yell even as I heard the ridiculous way I was acting. The way I talked to her was unacceptable. After I yelled at her, she looked so small, all her baby characteristics shined... those chubby cheeks, her tiny hands and fingers and I realized I was yelling irrationally at a 2 year old. She is 2 years old! My heart broke again. Sure children have the wonderful ability to forgive, but honestly she shouldn't. I swore up and down I would never be a mother like that, yet here I am. And I would be lying if I said that this is the first time something like this has happened.
There are days I'm not proud of the mother I am and clearly today was one of those days. Also not so great is the fact that it immediately follows the day that celebrates the greatness of Mothers.
I'm struggling to be patient. I'm struggling to be calm. I'm struggling to be the Mom I want to be. Really, I'm struggling with a lot of things lately that extend past motherhood. I'm struggling to be a good wife. I'm also struggling to be kind to myself.
How do you fight through those struggles? How do you forgive yourself for the way you treated your own child? How do you look into your child's eyes and not remember the fear that was once there?
You know, yesterday was that sort of day for me. I seriously lost my cool with Bennett at the zoo. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I was that rage-filled mom that wanted control and couldn't get it. Bennett was pushing me way beyond my limits and I couldn't find a way to get thru to Jim, other than yelling. Loudly. Like you, I instantly felt horrible. Yet, I also was really aware that I had tried five other forms of communicating with him and it took yelling to get his attention, to get him to stop on his tracks and listen. I wasn't proud of myself either.
ReplyDeleteI got a grip eventually, after another couple yells, and I hugged him and apologized for yelling. What else can we do? I have to believe that our children learn JUST AS MUCH in our failures as they do in our successes. In our failures, they learn humility (if we demonstrate it), they learn how to apologize, they learn how to forgive, they learn that making mistakes is ok and that we still love each other afterwards. I think having a mom mess up and make it right is better than having a perfect mom. It's real life. Finley most likely has a lot of you in her character. Seeing you get angry is a reality that she will face in herself, and seeing you come down from that and regroup is something she can learn to do too.
I don't want to minimize it. The conviction you have seems good and healthy if it makes you want to be better. You know? Conviction serves a purpose, shame does not. Conviction can turn to crippling shame if we let it, or it can sharpen us and make us stronger, wiser, healthier.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you think of these things and strive to change that human nature within yourself is all anyone can ask for. We all stumble and fail miserably. You aren't alone.
Xoxo
Rachel, you always know the right things to say! Today was a new day and although Finley was a challenge, I was able to mostly keep my cool. Not every mother is perfect, and you are right... they learn from our mistakes and most importantly they learn the way when I see my faults and take responsibility of them and apologize.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not alone.